French’s International Copyrighted (in England, her 
Colonies, and the United States) Edition of 
the Works of the Best Authors. 

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BY 


EULORA M. JENNINGS 


Copyright, 1904, by Samuel French 


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274 Review 

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276 Still Water Runs Deep 

277 The Scholar 

278 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 

280 Last Man 

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282 Old and Young 

283 Raffae 1 1 a 

284 Ruth Oakley 

285 British Slave 
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283 Time Tries All 

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291 Zelina 

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New *nd Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Nailed Free on Request* 




H Come&B tn Uwo Hcts 


BY 

EULORA M. JENNINGS 


Copyright, 1904, by Samuel French 


New York 
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Copyright Entry 


4\ 


, I4t-r | 
ceas(p to m r*oi 1 

COPY A. 


J 





MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 

A Comedy in Two Acts 


Mrs. Oakley, a bride. 
Constance, her friend. 
Mary, the cook. 
Emma, the maid. 


Note. — The telephone numbers , etc., can be adapted to any 
locality. 

ACT I 

Scene. Passageway with telephone at back and left of center. 
Sofa right and small table left. Chairs right and left. 
After Curtain is up Mary is heard singing in adjoining 
room, left. 

Mary. 

“ O, Rory, be aisy, don’t taise me no more, 

That’s eight times ye’ve kissed me, this day and before. 
‘Then here goes another,’ sez he, ‘to make sure. 

There’s luck in odd numbers’ sez Rory O’More.” 

“ O, Rory, be aisy, don’t taise me no more 

( Telephone bell rings.) 
That’s eight times ye’ve kissed me this day, and be- 
fore ” 

( Any other song can be substituted if desired.) 

( Bell rings again. Singing stops. Enter Mary, wiping her 
hands on her apron.) 

Yis. Yis. It’s cornin’ I am. Don’t excite yerself. ( Takes 
down receiver.) Hello! Hello! What? Hello! Which? 
Spake louder, plase. Och, it is not. No. I say it is not the 
Deke House. Don’t mintion it, me boy. ( Hangs up receiver.) 
’Tis the pest of me life, this same tilephome. Since Master 


2 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


Fred have brought the young bride — the Lord love the 
darlin’ ! — to keep house here durin’ the summer, while his 
father and mother are in the Old Country, this bell do be 
goin’ the livelong day. ( Enter Emma, right , carrying a 
tray.) 

Emma. Wass it for me, Mary? 

Mary. No, Emma darlin’, it was not. You’re after ex- 
pectin’ a message from Adolph, are ye not? Troth, Emma, 
since ye’ve been an engaged girl, the tilephome have been 
hard-worked. But I suppose it can’t complain — there’s that 
much honey poured down its t’roat. Ye’ve not seen Adolph 
for ages? 

Emma. Not since day before yesterday evening. It gifs 
me much anxiousness. I t’ought for sure he call me up any- 
way yesterday. You t’ink he is not been sick, Mary? 

Mary. Sure not. Sure not. Don’t be after frettin’ yer- 
self. He’ll be communicatin’ wid yez this blessed mornin’, I 
doubt not. (Exit Emma to kitchen. Mary takes down re- 
ceiver.) Derby, four, wan, t’ree. t’ree. Four t’ousand, wan 

hundred, and two t’rees. No. Four, wan Oh, hello ! 

Is this the ice man? (Enter Emma, with dustpan and 
broom.) 

Emma. Does anyone want me, Mary? 

Mary. No wan wants ye, me dear. (Exit Emma.) I’m 
not talkin’ to ye at all. Do ye think I’d be after callin’ ye 
pet names? Och, ye do? Well, thin, me pet, sind up twinty 
pounds of ice, and sind it airly. Yis, Oakley, — twinty-t’ree, 
twinty-siven, Bird’s-Eye-View Boulevard. Good-by yerself. 
(Hangs up receiver.) Och, me bread will niver get baked at 
this rate. (Just as she reaches the door the bell rings. She 
goes back to the telephone.) Yis. Yis. This is Mrs. Oak- 
ley’s risidence, Berkeley. Och, it’s ye, is it? Yis. I’ll call 
her. Hold the wire. (Goes to door, right* and calls.) 
Emma ! Emma ! The tilephome ! It’s the City wants ye. 
It’s Adolph. It’s him. (Stops at telephone as she comes 
back.) She’s cornin’. I hear her footprints. Good luck to 
yez. (Enter Emma. Exit Mary.) 

Emma. Hello! Ja, es ist Emma. Du bist’s, Adolph? 
Ja. Wie geht’s? Ich sage, wie geht’s? Hello! Hello! 
(Enter Mrs. Oakley. She has dowers in her apron, which 
she lays on table, and passes to kitchen.) Adolph? Hello! 
(Shakes telephone.) Is dis Central? Central, I was con- 
nected mit de city and you have shut me off my conversation. 
You say de party at de odder end have left? You can’t get 
him? Please try once more again. (Enter Mbs. Oakley, 
consulting a piece of paper.) Excuse me, ma’am, do you wish 
to use the telephone? 

Mrs. Oakley (takes telephone directory). Are you 
through, Emma? 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


3 


Emma. Yes, ma’am, t’ank you. It was a call from de city, 
from a friend, b. t Central says she can’t get them any more 
just now. {Exit.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Main 141 . Is this Owen Bergold’s gro- 
cery? This is Mrs. Oakley, twenty-three twenty-seven, Bird’s- 
Eye- View Boulevard. (Mary is heard singing outside: 


“ When dr st I saw swate Peggy, 

’Twas on a market day. 

’ Twas on a low-backed car she druv, 
And sat upon a truss of hay.”) 


Will you please send me up — wait just a minute. ( Goes to 
door.) Mary! Oh, Mary! ( Singing stops.) Will you 
please stop singing just a moment? The telephone is so bad 
this morning I can hardly hear at all. 

Mary (in doorway). Sure an’ I will. 

Mrs. Oakley. Hello ! Will you please send me up some 
potatoes? Oh, I don’t know. Yes, a sack. And some bak- 
ing powder. A sack of baking powder. In cans? Well, a 
few cans, then. And a barrel of flour. A barrel of rice. 
R-i-c-e. And some onions. I think two will be enough. And 
butter. Two something — I think it is two bits’ worth. And 
cayenne pepper. Two or three pounds. Yes, that will be 
enough. Oh, you say I don’t want so much? One pound, 
then. I think that is all. Eggs? Just wait a minute till I 
see. (Calls.) Mary! (Mary appears in doorzvay.) 

Mary. Yis’m. 

Mrs. Oakley. Mary, do we need eggs? They are not on 
the list 

Mary. Sure we do. They niver cost me a thought. 
There’s not an egg in the house, and the cook next door was 
just over an’ wantin’ to borrow two of thim. (Exit.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Yes, send some eggs. 

Emma (at door right). Miss Constance is here. 

Mrs. Oakley. Tell her I will be in right away. ( Exit 
Emma.) Two dozen eggs. Yes, that is all. Before lunch, 
please. (Exit.) 

(Enter Emma, with pile of towels on her arm. She lays them 
on the sofa and goes to telephone.) 

Emma. Please gif me Pine 279 in de City. Pine 279. Dis 
is Mason seven, double-six. I wish to speak mit Adolph 
Engelsfeder. You don’d get de name? E-n-g-e-l-s-f-e-d-e-r. 
(Spells it in German.) You will call me up when you get 
him? Don’d forget it, Central, please. (Exit.) 


4 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


( Bell rings violently. Enter Mary, hands covered with 

dour.) 

Mary. Hello! Is it what? What is it ye want? The 
French laundry? Ye’ve got the wrong number. I say no; 
we can’t send home yer dress shirt by Wednesday night ! 
Ye’ve got the wrong number. Oh, that’s all right. I hope 
ye’ll get yer shirt. Good-by. {Exit.) 

{Bell rings. Re-enter Mary, left, and enier Mrs. Oakley, 

right.) 

Mrs. Oakley. I’ll answer it, Mary. {Exit Mary.) 
Hello! Yes, this is Mrs. Oakley. Who is it? No, I can’t 
imagine. No, I don’t recognize your voice. The telephone 
is out of order, and probably that is why. Talk some more, 
and perhaps I can tell. Give me a clew. What? When? 
Oh, the best man? Of course I do. It’s Mr. Colby. Now I 
recognize your voice. When did you return from Europe? 
Yesterday? To-day? I suppose you had a fine trip. We 
were so surprised at your going away so suddenly. Fred 
has missed you. We’re all well — all two of us. How are 
you? Where are you now? What is your telephone number? 
Bush four-thirty. {Writes it down.) Fred will be so glad 
to know you have returned. By the way, have you any en- 
gagement for this evening? Won’t you come over and dine 
with us? I shall surprise Fred. That’s good. Seven 
o’clock. Till this evening, then. Good-by. {Hangs up re- 
ceiver.) I shall have a great surprise for Fred. I shall not 
tell him that Harry Colby is home again till he conies to 
dinner. (Emma appears in door, right.) 

Emma. Miss Constance says she must go. But you need 
not come in. She wishes not to disturb you. 

Mrs. Oakley. Ask her to please wait, Emma. I want to 
see her. Tell her I shall be in in one minute. Mary! Oh, 
Mary. {Enter Mary.) 

Mary. Yis’m. 

Mrs. Oakley {pausing to think). Mary, will you tele- 
phone for me to the city? I can’t stop to do it? I must see 
Miss Constance right away. Call up Mr. Oakley, and ask 
him to bring home six alligator pears and — let me see — four 
dozen oysters in the shell. The telephone number is Bush 
420. And — oh. yes, Mary, there is a gentleman coming to 
dinner — Mr. Colby. I just had a message from him. I think 
I ought to have asked him to stay over night. So will you 
please call him up and say that Mrs. Oakley says for him 
to come prepared to stay over night? 

Mary. And what may that tilephome number be? 

Mrs. Oakley. Here it is, on this piece of paper. Bush 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


5 


430. ( Takes paper and writes.) There, Mary. There are 

both the numbers. Bush 430. That is Mr. Colby’s. And 
Bush 420. That is Mr. Oakley’s. I shall be ever so much 
obliged. (Goes toward door, right.) 

Mary. Hello ! Hello ! Say, Central, I want the City. 
Long Distance. 

Mrs. Oakley. Mary, you had better call up Mr. Colby 
first, for fear he might not be in if you wait. 

Mary. All right, mum. ( Exit Mrs. Oakley. Mary con- 
sults paper.) Central, give me — is this Central? Well, I 
want the City. Bush four, two, nothin’. Bedad, I’ve forgot 
the name. Say, niver mind the name, Central. Just give 
me Bush four-twinty. This is Mason, seven double-six — 
Oakley. ( Enter Emma, darning stocking.) 

Emma. Is it anyone to speak mit me, Mary? 

Mary. No, me dear. It’s mesilf that’s for talkin’ to a 
strange gintleman in the city. Yis. Hello ! This is Mrs. 
Oakley’s risidence in Berkeley — Oakley — Berkeley. What? 
Hello ! Hello ! Where has he gone to ? Oh, shake me 
’phome, is it? Now can ye hear? ( Exit Emma.) This is 
Mrs. Oakley’s risidence. Beloike ye’ll be after havin’ yer 
dinner here to-night. (Aside. He says “ Certainly.” That’s 
him, sure.) Mrs. Oakley wished me to give ye a message. 
Who is this? This is the cook. (Aside. “Is that you. 
Mary?” How did he know me name?) Yis, this is me. 
Mrs. Oakley wished me to say to ye that she will be pleased 
to have ye stay all night this evening. Well, I don’t know 
if it’s queer or not, but that’s the message, that she will be 
pleased to have ye stay the night. Yis. That’s all. Good- 
by. (Hangs up receiver.) Now the other wan. (Consults 
paper and takes down receiver.) Central, dear, I want an- 
other number in the City now. (Aside. Wan is 420 and 
wan is 430; 420 I did call up, so now I want 430.) Central, 
give me Bush 430. Is this Bush four-thirty? This is Mrs. 
Oakley’s risidence, Berkeley. Oakley. O-c-k-l-double-e. 
Oakley. This is Mary. Why, Mary, the cook. Mrs. Oakley 
wished me to ask ye when ye come over this evening to bring 
wid yez six dozen pears, alligators, and four oysters— och. no ! 
’Tis six alligator pears and four dozen oysters. Yis — that’s 
right. Have ye got it wrote down? That’s right. Good-by. 
(Enter Mrs. Oakley.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Mary, Miss Constance will stay for lunch, 
and she must take the one-o’clock boat, so we want luncheon 
promptly at twelve. 

Mary. All right, mum. I’ll have it on the stroke. 

Mrs. Oakley. And, Mary, did you get the City? 

Mary. I did. And the gintleman ’ll be here all right and 
Mr. Oakley ’ll be very glad indeed to bring ye the things. 

Mrs. Oakley. Thank you, Mary. (Goes to telephone.) 


6 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


Central? Please give me Private Exchange, seven, Oakland. 
{Enter Constance.) 

Constance. Are you telephoning, Fanny? 

Mrs. Oakley. Central says the line is busy {hangs up 
receiver), so I shall have to wait. 

Constance. Well, while you’re waiting, will you show me 
how to start this pink? {They seat themselves and Mrs. 
Oakley takes crochet work.) 

Mrs. Oakley. .Sister Bess made me a fascinator like this 
when I was married. See? You throw the yarn over twice 
and put the needle in every other hole. (Constance takes 
work.) Does it seem possible that Fred and I have been 
married five months? We have, though. It is five months 
ago to-day since you were a blushing bridesmaid, Constance, 
and Harry Colby a blushing best man — though I can’t say that 
I ever saw him blush, in point of fact. No, you are putting 
the needle in the wrong place, and you forgot to throw the 
yarn over. 

Constance. Some way it seems years to me since your 
wedding. I can’t realize it is only five months. 

Mrs. Oakley. No, skip that hole. Fred is very fond of 
Harry. And Harry had to go flying off to Europe just after 
our wedding. (Constance drops ball of yarn, Mrs. Oakley 
picks it up.) Do you know, Constance, Fred and I thought 
that you and Harry were about to be engaged. 

Constance. We were. 

Mrs. Oakley. You were? You were about to be engaged? 

Constance. We were engaged. We became engaged five 
months ago to-day. 

Mrs. Oakley. On our wedding day ! And you are not 
engaged now? 

Constance. No. 

Mrs. Oakley. Something happened, I suppose. 

Constance. Yes, we had a misunderstanding and the en- 
gagement was broken.- 

Mrs. Oakley. I am awfully sorry. I hoped that you and 

Harry would Tell me about it. {Telephone bell rings.) 

Mary! Oh, Mary! {Enter Mary). Will you please answer 
the telephone? 

Mary. Hello! Hello yerself! No. No. I tell ye it is 
not. 

Mrs. -Oakley. Who is it, Mary? 

Mary. A man wid a husky voice {imitates voice) wants 
to know if this is the powder works. Say, Central, yer 
wires is bad crossed. We’re not a frat house, nor a French 
laundry, nor a powder works. Good-by. {Hangs up re- 
ceiver.) That man was that mad I’m thinkin’ he’ll blow up 
the powder works when he gets thim ; that is, if he ever do. 

{Exit Mary.) 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


7 


Mrs. Oakley. What were you going to say, Constance, 
about you and Harry having a little misunderstanding? 

Constance. It wasn't a little one. It was a very serious 
one. 

Mrs. Oakley. Constance, don’t be foolish. Make it up 
with him. 

Constance. Fanny, I know you are a good friend of mine, 
but please don’t speak of this again. (Rises.) It is of no 
use. We have broken off forever. You know how proud 
we both are — Harry foolishly so. I am sure he would never 
take the first steps towards a reconciliation, and I would die 
before I would make the least advance myself. Indeed I 
would, Fanny. I would not for the world let him know I 
cared. Besides, I don’t care — much. Anyway, he shall find 
that I am just as proud as he is. (Seats herself.) So now, 
Fanny dear, you see that that affair is over with forever, and 
let’s talk about something else. 

Mrs. Oakley. I am so sorry about the misunderstanding. 
But if you don’t want me to say any more about it, I won’t. 
(After a pause.) I say, Constance, why can’t you stay over 
till to-morrow? 

Constance. I should like to, but I have an engagement in 
the city this afternoon. 

Mrs. Oakley. Then come back to dinner this evening, 
anyway. Will you? This is our wedding anniversary, you 
know — five-twelfths of an anniversary, at any rate. Do come. 
I’ll tell you what I will do. I will call up Fred and ask him 
to meet you for the five-o’clock boat, and you come over with 
him. Will you? Say yes, that’s a good girl. 

Constance. “ Yes, that’s a good girl.” 

Mrs. Oakley. Then you’ll come? I’ll call up Fred right 
away and say you will be at the ferry building, upstairs in 
the waiting-room, at ten minutes of five. May I? (Enter 
Emma.) 

Emma. There is a gentleman at the door that wishes to 
speak mit you. 

Mrs. Oakley. Have you his card? 

Emma. Oh, no, ma’am. I t’ink it is the man mit the tele- 
phone bill. 

Mrs. Oakley. Will you call up Fred, Constance, while I 
attend to this “gentleman ” at the door? 

(Exeunt Emma and Mrs. Oakley.) 

Constance. I wonder what the number is? (Enter Mary, 
winding clock. Passes to door, right, looks through as if 
looking at a clock outside, and sets clock.) Mary, do you 
know Mr. Oakley’s telephone number? There doesn’t seem 
to be a San Francisco directory here. 

Mary. Sure ; it’s on that bit of paper on the. tilephome. 

Constance. But there are two numbers. Which one is it? 


8 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


Mary ( looks at paper). Well, thin, it’s the first. Be- 
cause I called up the second first. And whin I came to call 
up the first second, I was thinkin’, don’t ye know, that if the 
second number had a been first I might have got thim mixed 
or the loike? 

Constance. Then it is Bush 430. Is that it, Mary? 
Thanks. ( Exit Mary.) Hello. Central! Please give me 
Long Distance, Bush 430. ( Enter Emma, and arranges 

dowers that Mrs. Oakley had left on table.) It takes a good 
while to get the City, doesn’t it, Emma? 

Emma. Yes, miss. I have been since early dis morning 
waiting for Central to get me a number. 

Constance. Since this morning? Why, what is the 
trouble ? 

Emma. I do not know, miss, but I am much afraid it is 
sickness. 

Constance. Sickness? Oh, I hope not. I hope no one 
but the telephone is out of order. Hello ! Central ? This is 
Mason, seven double-six. Oakley. Hello! is this the City? 
Is this Bush 430? Oh! I didn’t recognize your voice. You 
know it has been some time since I heard it. {Aside. Not 
since Sunday!) I say it has been a long time since I have 
heard you speak. Yes. this is Constance. Good guess. How 
did you know? I’m glad you’re pleased. You will be better 
pleased than ever when I tell you I have a message for you 
from Fanny. Do you remember five months ago to-day? 
The happiest day of your 1 fe? Fanny wants you to do some- 
thing for me. Wait till you hear what it is? Oh, well, it 
isn’t such an arduous undertaking. She says you are to meet 
me at the ferry building, upstairs in the waiting-room, at ten 
minutes to five. How do you stand it so far? Thanks. Then 
you are to bring me over here to dinner with you. Yes, 
I’m at Fanny’s now. She said she asked you to bring over 
some things. You are very glad to do it for her? (Aside. 
Isn’t he a model?) I’ll help you carry the packages. Good- 
by, then, till ten minutes to five. Good-by. Who are you 
afraid is sick, Emma? 

Emma. Oh, miss, it is Adolph. We are engaged, one to 
the other, Adolph and me. I have not seen him since day 
before yesterday evening. Dis morning he call me up, and 
just as I was saying, “Is dat you, Adolph? Dis is Emma.” 
somebody was shut us off, and I don’t know what he wished 
to tell it to me. I have call up the number where he works 
afterward, but Central said she could not get him no more, 
that the number did not answer already, and she tell me she 
will ring me up as soon as she can get him. Ach, I am sure 
he is sick. 

Constance. You are very fond of him. aren’t you, Emma? 

Emma. Oh, I am very much fond of him. I cannot 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 9 

imagine me what he wished to tell me. If I know dis, I not 
feel so anxious. 

Constance. Cheer up, Emma. I do not believe Adolph is 
sick. Perhaps he was out, or was at work in another part of 
the building, and they couldn’t find him at the time and then 
forgot all about it. Tell me the number and I will try and 
get him for you. 

Emma. It is Pine 279, and t’ank you very much. 

Constance. Central? I have a complaint to make. A 
party in the house here left a call for a number in the city 
before nine o’clock this morning, and you promised to call 
her up as soon as you got them. Thanks. The number 
is What is it, Emma? 

Emma. Pine 279. 

Constance. Pine 279. This is Mason, seven double-six. 
Oakley. Who is it you wish to speak with, Emma? 

Emma. Adolph Engelsfeder. 

Constance. Adolph Engelsfeder. Yes. Yes. City? 
Who is this? Here he is, Emma. Go ahead. 

Emma. Ach, Adolph? Du bist’s? Wie geht’s? Bist 
nicht krank? Ja. Ja. Was hast du mir sagen wollen? Ja. 
Ja wohl. Gewiss. Mit ganzem Herzen. Ach ! Du Schapfs- 
kopf! Ja. Ja. Ade ! 

Constance. He isn’t sick, is he, Emma? 

Emma. Oh, no, miss. 

Constance. Was anything wrong? 

Emma. No, miss. He just wish to ask me if I love him. 
( Enter Mrs. Oakley dressed for driving, Constance's wraps 
on her arm.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Did you get Fred? 

Constance. Yes. He said he would be happy to meet me 
for the five-o’clock boat, and I told him I would help him 
carry the packages he is to bring. (Emma assists in putting 
on wraps.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Then come along: the automobile is at the 
door, and we have just time for a little spin before luncheon. 
( Exeunt Constance and Mrs. Oakley. Emma picks up 
duster and begins to sing in German. Curtain.) 


End of Act I. 


10 MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE ' 

ACT II 

( Scene same as in preceding act. Evening. Curtain rises. 

Enter Mrs. Oakley.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Mary! Mary! ( Enter Mary.) 

Mary. Yis’m. 

Mrs. Oakley. Mary, here is Mr. Oakley home, and he 
never brought the oysters, nor anything. And he says he did 
not get any message to bring them. Didn’t you telephone 
him this morning when I asked you? 

Mary. Sure I did, mum, and he said he would be pleased 
to do so. 

Mrs. Oakley. But he says you never said a word about 
pears nor oysters. Think, Mary. 

Mary. Mum, I said it, faith I did. I said alligators and 
I said oysters. I said both of thim, sure I did. 

Mrs. Oakley. Well, Mr. Oakley says he could not under- 
stand at all what your message was, but that he certainly 
heard nothing of pears nor oysters. And didn’t Miss Con- 
stance call up Mr. Oakley? 

Mary. Sure she did. I heard her callin’ him. 

Mrs. Oakley. Well, it is the most mysterious thing! I 
wonder what can be the matter. (Aside. If Fred were a 

drinking man I should think ) Mr. Oakley says he had 

no message at all from Miss Constance. And he took the 
half-past-four boat. And there she will be looking for him, 
and as like as not wait for the next boat and then have to 
come alone after all. I cannot understand what is the mat- 
ter. I know the telephone is not in order and it is hard 
to catch what is said, but that would not account for his not 
getting the message at all. You are sure you spoke to him? 

Mary. Mum, I spoke to him, and Miss Constance spoke to 
him. I heard her say wid me own ears, I did, that she was 
askin’ the favior of him and would he meet her for the five- 
o’clock. 

Mrs. Oakley. I cannot understand it. 

Mary. Nor can I. 

Mrs. Oakley (to herself). I think I will just ask Dr. 
Hall to come over and see Fred. (Goes to telephone and 
finds paper- with the numbers.) Mary! what number did you 
call up for Mr. Oakley? 

Mary. Sure, I called the wan ye told me. (Looks at 
paper.) Bush, four, three, nothin’. That’s the number that’s 
wrote first on the paper. And I called up the other gintle- 
man, Bush, four, two, nothin’. That’s the wan that’s wrote 
second on the paper. Just the way ye give thim to me. 

Mrs. Oakley. But, Mary, I didn’t mean that you were 
to call them in the order I wrote them. I put them down 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


11 


any way. You called the wrong numbers. Mr. Oakley’s is 
Bush 420. 

Mary. Well, this is the paper ye give me, me dear, and I 
was very careful not to mix thim up. First, ye sez to me, ye 
sez, “ Call up Mr. Oakley,” and thin ye sez, second. “ Call up 
the other gintleman.” But after ye sez, second, “Call up the 
other gintleman.” ye come back, don’t ye mind? And ye sez, 
“ Ye’d better first call up the other gintleman; and ye give me 
the two numbers, and I t’ought I was callin’ thim just as ye 
told me. But if I got thim mixed, I’m sure I beg yer pardon. 
And if it’s the pears that’s botherin’ ye, niver ye mind. I’ll 
get ye up a salad that the alligators won’t be in it. 

Mrs. Oakley. Oh, it isn’t the pears! Yes, it is the pears! 
Why, Mary, you must have asked Mr. Colby to bring them! 

Mary. Yis’m, if I mixed thim, — and four dozen oysters. 

Mrs. Oakley. I am so mortified ! 

Mary. Sure, that’s not the worst. 

Mrs. Oakley. Not the worst? What do you mean? 

Mary. ’Tis dear Miss Constance, mum. I do be after 
givin’ her the wrong number, too. 

Mrs. Oakley. No? 

Mary. Av course. She asked me what be Mr. Oakley’s 
number and I told her the wrong one. To think of her, so 
modest-like, a-tilephomin’ to a strange gintleman to meet her 
at the fairy. 

Mrs. Oakley. ( Listening . Laughter is heard behind the 
scenes.) There is Mr. Colby now, and Constance. She is 
laughing. That’s a good sign. Here she comes. ( Enter 
Constance.) 

Constance ( taking Mrs. Oakley’s hands). Here I am, 
Fanny. I’ve brought your pears and things. You don’t de- 
serve that I should ever forgive you — but I will. (Kisses 
her.) 

Mrs. Oakley. Constance, you look very happy. Some- 
thing has happened — something good, I see. I couldn’t have 
wished for anything better. But isn’t it absurd the way the 
numbers got mixed up? I am so mortified, though, about 
the pears. ( Enter Emma, with two large paper bags. Passes 
over and converses in dumb show with Mary.) Tell me 
about it. How did you meet Harry, and what did he think? 

Constance. Think? Why, he was expecting to meet me, 
of course, after my pressing invitation to him to do so. When 
I found out what I had done I concluded I had better make 
the best of it. 

Mrs. Oakley. Sensible girl. What did you think when 
you saw him? 

Constance. I was simply dumbfounded. There I was 
standing, gazing around for Fred, when who should walk up 
but Harry Colby ! I hadn’t even known that he had returned 


12 


MRS. OAKLEY’S TELEPHONE 


from abroad. The first thing he said was that he was just 
writing me a note when he got my message. I asked him 
what message, and when he told me I didn’t know for a 
minute whether to laugh or cry; but I couldn’t get at my 
handkerchief, and, besides, it is so unbecoming to me to cry, 
so I decided to laugh. It was plain that Mary had given me 
the wrong number and she must have made the same mistake 
when she telephoned for the pears. I think the joke is on 
you, too, Fanny. 

Mrs. Oakley. I think it is, but I feel sure Harry ' will 
forgive me, considering the outcome. Mary is to blame for 
it all. She mixed the numbers. 

Constance. Mary, my compliments to you. You’re a 
jewel. 

Mary. An’ it’s a jew’l I am? I’m thinkin’ it must be an 
imerald, thin. ( Telephone rings.) There goes that imp 
again ! 

Emma. Maybe it is for me. ( Takes dozvn receiver.) 

Mary. Here, I’ll answer it. Hello! Who is it? (To 
those on the stage.) It’s the people in the audience. (In 
telephone.) What is it ye want? What? (To those on 
stage.) They want the curtain. 

Mrs. Oakley. Constance, you answer. 

Constance. No, indeed! I might ring the curtain up in- 
stead of down. 

Mary. I’m thinkin’ Miss Constance is too much engaged 
with other kind o’ rings to answer the tilephome. 

Emma. Shall I say Miss Constance is engaged? (Putting 
hand on the receiver.) 

Mrs. Oakley. No. I will answer, Emma. (Goes to tele- 
phone.) Hello! Yes. Yes. We have the message. The 
curtain will be right down. We thank you for your patience. 
What is it? Congratulations for Constance? Thanks. 
Good-by. 

(Constance at right, Mrs. Oakley at telephone, Mary and 
Emma left.) 


Curtain. 






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1 The Iriih Attorney 
t BooU nt the Swan 

3 How to Pay the Rent 

4 The Loan of a Lover 

6 The Dead Shot 
( HU Last Lees 

7 The Invisible Prince 
3 The Golden Farmer 

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9 Pride of the Market 

10 Used Up 

1 1 The Irish Tutor 

12 The Barrack Room 

13 Luke the Laborer 

14 Beauty and the Beast 

15 St. Patrick’s Eve 

16 Captain of the Watch 

VOL. III. 

17 Th'" Secret [per 

18 Wuite Horse of the rep 

19 The Jacobite 

20 The Bottle 

21 Box and Coz 

22 Bamboozling 

23 Widow’s Victim 

24 Robert Macaire 

VOL. IV. 

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26 Omnibus 

27 Irish Lion 

28 Maid of Croissy 

29 The Old Guard 

30 Raising the Wind 

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82 Naval Engagement* 

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36 Macbeth Travestie 

87 Irish Ambassador 

88 Delicate Ground 

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40 All that Glitters 

VOL. VI. 

41 Qr-imehaw, Bagshaw and 

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45 Born to Good Luck 
4b Kiss in the Dark [jurer 

47 ’Twould Puzzle a Con- 

48 Kill or Cure 

VOL. VII. 

49 Box and Cox Married and 

60 St. Cupid [Settled 

61 Go-to-bed Tom 

62 The Lawyers 

63 Jack Sheppard 
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65 The Mobcap 

66 Ladies Beware 

VOL. VIII. 

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63 Brian O’Linn 

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70 Clockmaker’s Hat 

71 Married Rake 

72 Love and Murder 

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74 Pretty Piece of Business 

75 Irish Broom-maker 

76 Te Parts and Back for 

Five Pounds 

77 That Blessed Baby 

78 Our Gal 

79 Swiss Cottage 
10 Young Widow 


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104 


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148 


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152 


153 

154 

155 

156 

157 

158 

159 

160 


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O’Flanuigan and the Fal 
Irish Post [ries 

My Neighbor’s Wife 
Irish Tiger 
P. P., or Man and Tiger 
To Oblige Benson 
State Secrets 
Irish Yankee 
VOL. XII. 

A Good Fellow 
Cherry and Fair Star 
Gale Breezely 
Our Jeuiimy 
Miller’s Maid 
Awkward Arrival 
Crossing the Line 
Conjugal Lesson 
VOL. XIII. 

My Wife’s Mirror 
Life in New York 
Middy Ashore 
Crown Prince 
Two Querns 
Thumping Legacy 
Unfinished Gentleman 
House Dog 

VOL. XIV. 

The Demon Lover 

Matrimony 

In and Outof Place 

I Dine with My Mother 

Hi-a-wa-tha 

Andy Blake 

Love" in ’76 [ties 

Romance under Difficul- 
VOL. XV. 

One Coat for 2 Suits 
A Decided Case 
Daughter [norlty 

No; or, the Glorious Mi- 
Coroners Inquisition 
Love in Humble Life 
Family Jars 
Personation 
VOL. XVI. 

Children in the Wood 
Winning a Husband 
Day After the Fair 
Make Your Wills 
Rendezvous 
My Wife’s Husband 
Monsieur Tonson 
Illustrious Stranger 
VOL. XVII. 
Mischief-Making [Mines 
A Live Woman in the 
The Corsair 
Shylock 
Spoiled Child 
Evil Eye 
Nothing to Nurse 
Wanted a Widow 
VOL. XVIII. 

Lottery Ticket 
Fortune’s Frolic 
Is he Jealous! 

Married Bachelor 
Husband at Sight 
Irishman in Londou 
Animal Magnetism 
Highways and By-Ways 
VOL. XIX. 
Columbus 

Harlequin Bluebeard 
Ladies at Home 
Phenomenon in a Smock 
Frock 

Comedy and Tragedy 
Opposite s eighbors 
Dutchman’s Ghost 
Persecuted Dutchman 
VOL. XX. 

Musard Ball 
Great Tragic Revival 
High Low Jack & Game 
A Gentleman from Ire- 
Tom and Jerry [land 
Village Lawyer 
Captain’s not A-miss 
Amateurs find Actors 


VOL. ; 

161 Promotion 

162 A Fasciuat 

163 Mrs. Caudlt 

164 Shakespeare 

165 Neptune's I 

166 Lady of Bed 

167 Take Care ». ........ 

168 Irish Widow [Charley 

VOL. XXII. 

189 Yankee Peddler 

170 Hiram Hireout 

171 Double-Bedded Room 

172 The Drama Defended 

173 Vermont Wool Dealer 

174 Ebenezer Venture [ter 

175 Principles from Cbarac- 

176 Lady of the Lake (Trav) 

VOL. XXIII. 

177 Mad Dogs 

178 Barney the Baron 

179 Swiss Swains 

180 Bachelor’s Bedroom 

181 A Roland for nn Oliver 

182 Moro Blunders than One 

183 Dumb Belle 

184 Limerick Boy 

VOL. XXIV. 

165 Nature and Philosophy 

186 Teddy the Tiler 

187 Spectre Bridegroom 

188 Matteo Falcone 

189 Jenny Lind 

190 Two Buzzard* 

191 Happy Man 

192 Betsy Baker 

VOL. XXV. 

193 No. 1 Round the Corner 

194 Teddy Roe 

195 Object of Interest 
126 My Fellow Clerk 

197 Bengal Tiger 

198 Laughing Hvena 

199 The Victor Vanquished 

200 Our Wife 

VOL. XXVI. 

201 My Husband’s Mirror 

202 Yankee Land 

203 Norah Creina 

204 Good for Nothing 

205 The First Night 

206 The Eton Boy 

207 Wandering Minstrel 

208 Wanted, 1000 Milliners 
VOL. XXVII. 

209 Poor Pilcoddy 

210 The Mummy [Glasses 

211 Don’t Forget your Opera 

212 Love in Livery 

213 Anthony and Cleopatra 

214 Trying It On 

215 Stage Struck Yankee 

216 Young Wife A Old Um- 

brella 

VOL. XXVIII. 

217 Crinoline 

218 A Family Failing 

219 Adopted Child 

220 Turned Heads 

221 A Match in the Dark 

222 Advice to Husbands 

223 Siamese Twins 

224 Sent to the Tower 
VOL. XXIX. 

225 Somebody Else 
2 6 Ladies’ Battle 

227 Art of Acting 

228 The Lady of the Lion* 

229 The Rights of Man 

230 My Husband’s Ghost 

231 Two Can Play at that 
Game 

232 Fighting bv^Proxy 

233 Unprotected Female 

234 Pet of the Petticoats 

235 Forty and Fifty [book 

236 Who Stole the Pocket- 

237 My Son Diana [sion 

238 Unwarrantable Intru- 

239 Mr. and Mrs. White 
24# A Quiet Family 


0 011 819 



MSUlU TTIbU lUt ill III 


mg 


( French's Minor Drama Continued on 3d page of Cover.) 


248 Perplexing Predicament 

VOL. XXXII. 

249 Dr. Dil worth 

250 Out to Nurse 

251 A Lucky Hit 

252 The Dowager 

253 Metamora (Burlesque) 

254 Dreams of Delusion 

255 The Shaker Lovers 

256 Ticklish Times 

VOL. XXXIII. 

267 20 Minutes with a Tiger 

258 Miralda; or, the Justice 

of Tacon 

259 A Soldier’s Courtship 

260 Servants by Legacy 

261 Dying for Love 

262 Alarming Sacrifice 

263 Valet de Sham 

264 Nicholas Nickleby 

Vor YY'Yiv 

265 The Last of the pigtails 

266 King Rene’s Daughter 

267 The Grotto Nymph 

268 A Devilish Good Joke 

269 A Twice Told Tale 

270 Pas de Fascination 
<71 Revolutionary Soldier 

272 A Man Without a Head 

VOL. XXXV. 

273 The Olio, Part 1 

274 Tne Olio, Part 2 

275 The Olio, Part 3 [ter 

276 The Trumpeter’* Daugh- 

277 Seeing Warren 

278 Green Mountain Boy 

279 That Nose 

280 Tom Noddy’s Secret 
VOL. XXXVI. 

281 Shocking Events 

282 A Regular Fix 

283 Dick Turpin 

284 Young Scamp 

285 Young Actress 

286 Call at No. 1—7 

287 One Touch of Nature 

288 Two B’hoys 
VOL. XXXVII. 

289 All the World’s a Stage 

290 Quash, or Nigger Prac- 

291 Turn Him Out [tice 

292 Pretty Gii Is of Stillberg 

293 Angel of the Attic 

294 CircumstanccsalterCases 

295 Katty O’Sheal 

296 A Supper in Dixie 
VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 Ici on Parle Francais 

298 Who Killed Cock Robin 

299 Declaration of Independ- 

300 Heads or Tails [ence 

301 Obstinate Family 

302 My Aunt 

303 That Rascal Pat 

304 Don Paddy de Bazan 
VOL. XXXIX. [ture 

305 Too Much for Good Na- 

306 Cure for the Fidgets 

307 Jack’s the Lad 

308 Much Ado AboutNothing 

309 Artful Dodger 

310 Winning Hazard 

311 Day’s Fishing [Ac. 

312 Did you ev. r send your, 
VOL. XL. 

313 An Irishman’s Maneuver 

314 Cousin Fannie 

315 ’Tis the Darkest Hour be- 

316 Masquerade [fore Dawn 

317 Crowding the Season 

318 Good Night’s Rest 

319 Man with the Carpet Bag 

320 Terrible Tinker 


4AMUBL FRENCH, a6 West aad Street, New York City. 

New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request 


